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[27 Nov 2009|10:16am] |
julian has been calling me yobo all morning... ~ _ ~
which according to the dictionary is "a casual address to one's wife / husband / or sweetheart. of korean origin."
awh hahaha.
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[26 Nov 2009|10:39pm] |
i love working the night shift. i got about 6 hours of studying in last night.
the elderly ladies are sooo cute. sometimes they wake up really early in the morning and are confused, so i come and talk to them and tell them what time it is... and they give me this worried look and say "aren't you going to get some sleep dear? promise me you'll go home and sleep." and i say "okay, i will," and then we hug and they say "i love you" and i tuck them back into bed. : )
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[20 Nov 2009|07:25pm] |
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the cure - tegan & sara |
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i had some intense dreams last night. probably due to playing borderlands on the ps3 with julian for 5 hours last night.
first, julian and i were swimming in the ocean and collecting video games. we had billions of them and connected them all into this giant square quilt-like object made out of video games, then swam back to shore with it.
then, i was at a nursing home killing zombies. there were all of these bathroom stalls, and the elderly people were toileting before bed. this asian nurse came with washcloths and soap lol, and i was there holding a gun. i told her she could open each door and if it were a zombie, i'd shoot it... if not, she could clean them up for bed. most of them were zombies. and if they weren't, they turned into zombies later on. it got pretty gory... to the point where i was killing zombies by clobbering them with other zombies' brains.
it was SCARY.
the nurse was smart, because she cloned herself... and four of herself would come out at a time after the previous clones were killed by zombies. cooool.
i'm stoked for the zombie island of dr. ned, a borderlands add-on that should be coming sooon. i was skeptical about this game at first, but i am now addicted.
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[18 Nov 2009|05:40pm] |
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embrace - pnau ft. ladyhawke (fred falke & miami horror remix) |
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well, i don't think i'm going to have a choice in this H1N1 flu shot thing. i definitely don't want to get it, and i'm aware of the health risks involved. i'd rather take vitamin D.
but, if there is an outbreak, i won't be able to work or go to clinical without being vaccinated.
this whole thing is causing me a lot of anxiety. i don't know what i should do. i'm not the only nurse fighting this, either.
i really wish i could make some changes to the health care system.
:'(
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[13 Nov 2009|08:23pm] |
i finished the family assessment paper today. what a RELIEF.
at first i was afraid i wouldn't make the required 20 pages but then i ended up going over and having to shorten it.
my head is aching now. sooo, julian decided to take a break from pokémon and go grocery shopping for us. he just walked in the door with bags of persimmons and kale! yay~<3
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[09 Nov 2009|08:13pm] |
i can not understand how a person can be so selfish and claim to be a Christian... my brother is in jail and all my "dad" can say is he doesn't have time for this because he's busy with his new life and new family. :'( that's BS, he has NEVER had the time for us... he has NEVER committed a selfless act in his life... he has never showed caring or compassion or sacrifice for another human being, let alone his own DNA.
my poor mom couldn't stop crying after he hung up the phone on her.
i wish i could get rid of the anger and hurt i feel towards him. i have tried. last year i tried to mend our relationship and spend time with his family, but i couldn't do it. it's hard to forgive him when he isn't sorry.
he still views my brothers and i as a burden that he needs to get rid of so he can enjoy his new life.
well, enjoy. i just hope that one day his loving and just God will hold him accountable.
i just wish i could erase him from my life and not remember anything about him. i don't want to waste any more tears on someone who has never shed one tear for anyone. he isn't worth it.
it would feel really good right now to smash his mitsubishi lancer into pieces. highly therapeutic.
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[05 Nov 2009|10:04am] |
i have post-traumatic stress disorder or something. i had a nightmare last night about having to go stay with my dad and stepmom for some reason. my stepmom was treating me like cinderella all over again, and was demanding that i clean their bathroom every day, because "why not?"... (just to be mean). i got into a huge yelling fight with my dad about something, and i was telling him what i think of him (not pretty). i called julian and i was crying and hyperventilating and asking him to "please come get me out of here". i wanted him to tell my dad what a loser he is, because julian hates him too... and i'm sure would like to tell him what he thinks of him. and i felt AWFUL, because i had to leave my brothers there with them. i have always felt guilty for that, and it was my goal to become independent and take care of them myself.
then i woke up, because our alarm went off and when julian went to grab the nintendo ds he spilled my water all over our night table and was like "meeeagan!" i started bawling and hyperventilating... because my emotions were still through the roof from my dream and and too strong for me to suppress. at first julian maybe thought i was crying because he got mad at me about my water, but that probably didn't seem to fit... and i told him what happened. he didn't say anything, just held me tight and let me cry and talk it out. i usually don't like to talk about how i feel about my dad, but i just let myself be upset. i actually surprised myself. i told julian i don't think it's right that there is a religion that allows them to justify what they did and live their little glorified lives... it's not fair that they should just get away with it. i don't remember my stepmom ever expressing to me that she was genuinely sorry for destroying our family. there's a difference between being sorry and saying "all sins are the same in God's eyes, and i am forgiven". it made me so angry when she said that. she just belittled my feelings, all she cared about was that she was "still going to heaven". she is a selfish, evil person who cried whenever she didn't get her way and manipulated my dad to discipline us the way she wanted him to... which i guess was better than the way he used to do things (ex. physically abuse me)... but he still got into physical fights with my brothers, which was scary. anyway, they are both horrible people... and it makes me sick to think of them living in their fake little christian world.
and i think i know what brought this on. yesterday i found out that they asked a pastor in edmonton to go visit my brother james in jail and talk to him. i'm guessing they probably told the whole church about what happened with james, and asked the church to pray for his "lost soul". what my dad probably failed to mention is that he has never been a healthy father figure and he has destroyed ANY sense of love, belonging, self-esteem, or confidence in my brothers and myself. his religion's definition of a father is the furthest thing from who he is.
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[03 Nov 2009|05:50pm] |
we have a groups lab right now which serves as a support group for us as students, and we take turns leading the group. i was just a member today. we were talking about developing a plan to change something in our lives, and i chose to talk about how julian told me i worry too much about school (all the time), and i want to practice mindfulness/self-awareness so that i can enjoy the present moment. everyone was really supportive... i think everyone made a comment about how i'm doing well and they recognized the progress i made since the beginning of the semester. for example, one girl said "i think you have your shit together". haha. and another girl said: "you're in you're apartment now, you can do your yoga to deal with stress, and you don't have to worry anymore." i started crying in front of everyone, and i think i caught them off guard... they were like, "oh no, are those happy tears or sad tears?" i was like "i'm okay, they're happy tears..." it was really embarrassing but dan (cute little chinese girl) gave me kleenex ^ _ ^ and everyone gave me lots of nice smiles and made sure i was okay.
i love nurses. :3
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[02 Nov 2009|08:08pm] |
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worried shoes - karen o and the kids |
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the song pretty much sums me up. (lately.)
but i am getting better.
(i just realized this is a daniel johnston cover. love!)
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[21 Oct 2009|03:10pm] |
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we have internet in our apartment now... :P
i kind of liked not having it, i was waaayyyy more productive.
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[19 Oct 2009|12:22pm] |
we loooove our apartment. i've been so busy cleaning and unpacking (and working :P) and we're almost all settled in.
it feels so good to have a place of our OWN. <3 i finally feel happy.
we got to set up our new ikea bed/night stand to match our dresser, and the whole set looks so nice.
we even got a bunch of new and exciting stuff, like pretty dishes and cutlery and a tea kettle and a magic bullet for making smoothies (julian is really creative and makes some pretty amazing ones).
our fridge and cupboards are full of yummy asian/vegan food right now.
also, julian taught me how to make sushi last week and i've been making it all the time. i'm really looking forward to going home today and making avocado rolls. ^ _ ^
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[09 Oct 2009|04:27pm] |
today i found this window open when i woke up the computer, and i was all sad/worried because i thought julian had been looking at it this morning... but i called him and he didn't know what i was talking about. so i guess i accidentally clicked on it or something? i guess i was meant to read it. i've definitely been really moody and "mom-ing" him a lot lately.
we got an apartment downtown and are hopefully moving in next thursday. it's $689 a month. i'm really anxious about everything right now and i hope it works out.
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[05 Oct 2009|10:01pm] |
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seaweed song - passion pit |
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since i saved $1200 by not buying textbooks this year, i bought myself a netbook. i picked the asus eee pc 1005ha... it's so little and cute. every time i see it i go "eee!" it was only $479. i'll use the ebooks for free, thx!
jules helped me get rid of nasty windows and put linux on it. first we tried moblin, then gos, then fedora, and now i'm using easy peasy <3!
i might also try jolicloud. there's so many to choose from...
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[03 Oct 2009|11:44am] |
i think stress/depression causes acne more than anything else.
i was in the grocery store yesterday, grumpy as hell, wondering why i still care so much about what i eat when i don't even think good thoughts about myself!!!
julian says eating junk food would probably be better for me if it made me even a little happier. but i know it would just make me feel more guilt... i already have enough of that from every time i miss a class or do some other activity besides study!
i do not deal with stress very well at all.
I NEED TO GET HEALTHY MENTALLY. I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE.
i don't understand why julian would want to be around me. i am always pessimistic and mad at him... but still he says he's happiest when he's with me! that's love i guess.
i am trying really hard to replace my negative thoughts with good ones. changing thought patterns is really hard.
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[28 Sep 2009|07:07pm] |
life = studystudystudystudystudy.
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meaganini's journal